My Head Might Explode Some Day

 Stress and more stress. Lung cancer,  leukemia, broken ribs and other sick people surround me.

I am well, but I worry alot, a whole lot of family members and friends who are currently in treatment for bad diseases. Strokes, and dementia and seeing family lose their minds. I take it all in and then, I crash.

I crash big. I can't think, my mind goes foggy and huge depressions blankets my soul. I am usually a very positive person. But, now I find despair learning of friends and family members who are in treatment.

I want to cry and scream. I want to make everything better and I can not. I want to visit my sister, and I don't want to see her suffer, stumble over her word since her strokes, and taking in chemotherapy. 

I feel alone, and frightened. I see no hope or solutions. I feel like the little chicken who was in therapy years ago when I needed to learn how to cope with people, strangers,  family and friends. I lacked the skill. And now my brain just shuts down. It can not cope. Once again, I can not cope. Have I not learned anything over the years. Years of yoga, and Zen teaching should be helping me now. But it does not. I go insidmy shell and hide from everything. I go down this deep hole and hide. 

After 35 years of marriage we still have fun

 Just saying, it is good to marry your best friend. We do have ups and downs but, we work out the problems and move on. Best anniversary present ever. Glenn finally agreed to bring down from the attic my back swing. Ah....stretching my back at home again and stopping the vertebrates from rubbing the sciatic nerve to drive me crazy.

It is the  little things in life that make me happy. Flowers, good food and zero pain.

Watching the Portland Skyline

Watching the Portland skyline out a hotel window. The sky was an icy blue as I quietly sat a read a book.

How wonderful and strange to travel to Portland, Me. I went to school in Portland in the late sixties. The downtown with filled with beautiful brick building which were mostly empty and for sale. There was one ancient department store called something like Porteous  Mitchell which was Maine equivalent to Boston's Jordan Marsh at the time. 

...

Back home, the fall chill has arrived.  Dealing with Judy's diagnostic reality. Yesterday, dear friend and neighbor's diagnostic chilling reality. Neither person I could afford to lose. Neither person I want to suffer.

Fall Marches On

Old trucks and pumpkins are huge part of the New England scenery. Sometimes the truck becomes a lawn ornament. Whatever it is, it is fall here in New England. Fresh cider, and cooler temperatures have arrived.  The apples are fresh, and squash  everywhere you look.

The hostas have melted into an orange/yellow stage. Still lots of color in the trees and bushes but soon those will be lost and meld into the quiet season of winter.

I no longer have ice skates. I was never very good at the sport. But, living across from an ice pond, one had to try. There is nothing better than gliding across a frozen pond with the wind freezing your cheeks and you feel as free as the wind.  But, unfortunately I crashed more that glided. So, one day I saw a young person at the pond without skates and I gifted mine to here.

Soon the snow will fall and I will put on my snow shoes and walk into the woods. The only sounds will be the crunch of the snow under my snow shoes. I love being out in nature and listening to the quiet.

Get Outside and Breathe

My favorite walk is to walk down my driveway and take a left to the woods and marsh.   I always stop at White Bridge...aka reflection bridge. The Little River flows on below the bridge. It is a tidal river. High tide, low tide...coming in and going out.I relax my mind and tell myself that I am so lucky to live near this river and marsh. Each days walk is different. Clouds, sunny or windy...I unwind. Lots of birds hiding around the bend in the river. I watch deer crossing the marsh. 

The marsh has a distinct smell. To me it now smells like home, calm and musty. I hear hawks calling high in the skies, and red winged blackbirds calling for their mates. All of my senses are on full alert and I take all of it into my soul. This marsh makes me happy and completes my soul.

In Nature even Poison Ivy is pretty

 Sat on on White bridge or the reflection bridge and meditated today. Cleared my head, and opened my heart. I have been depressed since June and today I restated taking my depression medication. Ok, I am old fool of a lady who stopped taking it and waited  or waisted four months  with huge mood spikes that scared myself and husband. Nothing like an old fool. 

Trying to be invisible like a Cat.

 I had no success hiding myself from the pain, people and myself. 

The pain continues, the sadness stays fresh, and my life stops here.

I am anxious to heal all that hurts inside myself.  The process is too slow and ongoing for my taste.

I want what I want now. I need what I need now. Only instant gratification will satisfy my soul right now.

If this sounds like a complaint, it is a complaint. I need satisfaction now not later.

When will I be able to smell the flowers again and laugh with the Trees?

 Depression, dark depression has clouded my world. Two months ago, my worlds started to fall apart. I spent weeks with my sister in ICU helping our team bring her back to just our Judy. Returning home, went to Rehab to visit my 100 year old mother in law who had some strokes. While in rehab, we emptied her one bedroom apartment in a senior facility. This process took over two months, clearing junk, cleaning, more cleaning, calling the junk man, and moving less junk to her assisted living studio apartment. Neighbors spent the time getting covid and our street in isolation. My body responded to this caos to add bone on bone lower back sciatic and  slowly over the months, I forgot how to sleep.

Yesterday, I feel apart. Sadness overwhelmed me. Tears flew off my face. Darkness engulfed me.

So, today I asked myself  was this a good time to stop taking Prozac. My drug of choice from the last 20 years was put back into my medicine cabinet. I should have seen this rocket of self destruction coming but, I was in the flow of self destruction, sorrow and denial.

August with heavy rains, high winds, thunderstorms, high humidity, and low patience 2023

 If anything could go bad this year,  it pre-booked the event for this August. Weather was bad, visits to rehabs,  and strange hospitals were a high point of the month. Going through my 100 year out mother in law's apartment filled with treasures of the 30s, 40s etc and ect. Everything was there for a purpose. Years of menus from her retirement home. Piles of these collectable menus. There were piles of  old junk mail ...opened and not opened. You get the picture, under the bed ( which was 50 years old) was her prized junk, neary a spot under her queen bed was empty. Treasure here, and treasure there. Need I go on. To horrible to put in writing, getting old and living alone belongs on the late night tv shows where they show horror movies now. Depressed you say. Yes,of course. The prequel to this event was spending two weeks with my very sick sister in ICU in DC.

I do hope the September brings the good things back in my life. Rides to NH to view the colorful leaves, warm days and cool nights. Fresh apples, cider and strong cheddar cheese. 

July 22, 2023... DDay End of Prozac

 

It was not a strong decision to cut off Prozac. I have been on its since the start of  my menopause in my early 50s.   My sister was failing in ICU in DC. I took 4 days supply of vitamins and pills. My husband was to come down and bring my pills after the 4 day supply was empty. My sister was in a very bad way. A decision was made to keep hubby at home with good memories of my sister. 

After the longest two weeks of my life at the Sibley Hospital, my sister was transferred to a standard hospital room and I flew home. I stayed off the pill for four days and then took 1 pill and call my doctor.

That was my last pill. Have I felt changes in my brain? Yes and no. I have flashbacks of younger self. I see a very sad, lonely and quiet soul. My people skills were nonexistent. My learning skill were minium and I struggled to keep alert to listen to the teacher and not to watch the pigeons on the window sills outside the class you. I did not know how to ask for help. I worked hard but, the lesson of the day did not stick into my brain. I constantly brought the wrong books home to do my homework, forgot the homework assignments, and my parents worried that there was something wrong with me. 

My mother wanted to take me to seek professional help. My father said no. My brain fog stayed and I went on as best as I could.

I cried a lot because I was alway very sad. I pulled all my eyelashes out many, many times. I pulled my chair into my closet and would sit inside the closet with the light on and the door shut for hours.

 I was always late, had no motivation and kept moving forward.

My mother helped me tremendously with ways to deal with my extreme shyness. But inside I was still that shy, and quiet person. 

Years later, I was in my mid 30s. I got brave and went to therapy. It was wonderful. I was allowed to name this sad little child and named it my little chicken. I started taking Prozac on my doctor's recommendation. Prozac made the front cover of TIME Magazine.  

And...there you have a short but sad story of a shy girl with blond curls.

PS: of course it turned out to one of the most depressing time of my life. The Ukare War, moving 100 year old mother in law into assisted living, spending months cleaning out her apartment ( 100 years of clutter, dirt, old papers, and two tons of costume jewelry.  I was dead tired and my brain hurt during this process. Oh, and Trump was in the news running for a second term and being indicted for being a bad person with no morals.

UPS and DOWNS of Miracle of Family

 This is a hard story for me to tell. It is way to private and intermate. Seeing my sister in the  ICU again, was harder than ever before. It hit my heart and my memories into a 3d pictures that I never wanted to view or see ever again I was 12 and my mother had been told that my sister might have leukoma by our family doctor. My mother explained the situation very clearly to me. "Your sister is very, very sick, and from now on you must be the older sister and understand that how bad this will be and live with it.

Years forward she did not. She was told that she had a very rare genetic disease from Eastern Europe Jewish families.  Years of infusions started. Weekly infusions that cost was prohibitive. My parents sold their house and moved down to DC to be closer to my sister and family. I was just back from living in California and need to get a job and a place to move to. And that was that.

...

  

Wet Summer of Greens

 

Being Married to a Very Organized Person

 

In my dreams, I strive for a life where all my worldly items  are tidy and in their safe place.

I live with one who is a pro at tidy and giving homes to all he owns. 

He has had a hard time dealing with a clutter expert. Sometimes, my clutter depresses me. I try to organize, clean up, and reduce the number of clutter.

The result of me organizing, is in a few weeks, I forget where I put my goods, and spend hours searching the least likely places around my house, and some items are never found again or months later, I find it in the most unusual places. Don't ask where.  I don't want to sound like a loser, or a crazy person.

My  piles work for me. They are not neat, tidy or organized. 

New Doctor...new sydrome

 [1] Tangentiality refers to a disturbance in the thought process that causes the individual to relate excessive or irrelevant detail that never reaches the essential point of a conversation or the desired answer to a question.

I have always talked this way and now I know what to call it.

Keep Laughing While Growing Old and You will enjoy Old Age More

 Smile, laugh, be funny and hide in closets to scare your husband. It all works and keeps me young. Tickling and bad puns also work. Hiding puzzle pieces, April Fool jokes also work.

The world around you may be falling apart, or just plan ugly...just keep up you sprits high. Depressing as some current elections are and will be, this is not the end of the universe. Think about happy thoughts.

My Covid Experience

 I listen to friends talk about their covid experience. Most talk about the isolation, fear, and depression.

My personal experience was highlighted by hospital outdoor covid tests in my car in the cold and rain.

I spent hours at home making French knots on hats, reading, and sleeping. Oh, I also had both my knees replaced during the pandemic. There was a lot of pain, physical therapy, and drugs. One good note, because of Covid, I had a large single room at the hospital for one night after each surgery. My covid experience had using an antique walker, crutches, and falling in love with my rented ice machine. It was true love between me and the machine that I used for a month at home after each operation. The quiet of our house was soothing, and my husband turned out to be a wonderful nurse. My recovery was long, and at times very challenging. My surgeon was fabulous, and coached me through each surgery.

Home was a healing place for me. I smuggled into the coach and felt the warmth of my home. Home is where the heart should be. 

Keeping my mind Coureous

I have a very active and curious mind. Sometimes, I use my 5 year old mind to see another side of the my young and creative self.

Today, I heard a loud knock on the window. From the loud sound, I thought a hawk crashed into my window. Turned out to be a young robin. He was lying on his back with his yellow feet up into the air.

I gently turned him over, and watched him breathing very heavily. I got a shoe box and and very gently put him in the box. I gave him a soft petting between his wings to let him know everything would be ok. Glenn advised me to bring the bird and box inside to let it warm up. We put a box onto of the shoe box. Our indoor cat Becky, knew something was up and she wanted a part of it. So, the box was moved up to the console table. After about a hour, I took him and place the box with the bird on our front desk. The next I I check, he was gone. The box had tiny soft feathers in it. I was so happy that I was able to save him. I do hope he comes back in the warm spring and stops by to say hello.

 

March 14 2023

First major snow storm N'EASTERNER is going on out my window.

Water, Ice. Wind, and of course Snow.

Sitting at my desk and watching weather. I love watching weather.  Love watching the clouds expend, disappear, change colors, and flying away into the the atmosphere. 

I have been cleaning out old books, tie die hair wraps, old frames, older scarfs, etc, etc, and etc.

This unpaid job is a lot of work. We filled over two large liquor store boxes with books.

Pictures, what do you do with thousands of pictures. I did throw out some baby picture unknow subjects, I put the majority of pictures (old) are in books. But not all, So, I filled an old "interoffice Envelope"  are really fabulous folders to put paper into. Not the really icky, dirty ones... only the ones with a good life in  them.

Bob Marley is singing and giving me a relaxing mood during this internment.

The beat rocks me slowly, slows me down. 

Life was at a slower pace. People worked hard, strenuous  and long hours. But news was slow also.  Think of it? A world without cell phones, telephones, fast foods and oh yes, cars, planes, and space ships.

I am definitely a 20th century woman. I loved the times, experiences and the fucking adventures.

 

March 2, 2023...Cold/Rain/Snow Winter Drags On

Home bound for most of this season. Avoiding crowds, wearing masks in risky places, and not being social.

I am a quiet inward introvert who talks to strangers, little children and dogs. I don't like very many group activities. I hate card games. I avoid receptions. I am happiest outside walking with one person. 

Winter is my quiet time. This winter we have had summer, spring and artic weather. Cold one day, and 60 degrees the next day. Strong winds knocking down old trees, and blowing snow drifts. 

I am happy alone with my thoughts. I love to write, walk with my camera, and look at art in museums.

A Cool Day for A Mediation Walk

 There was a cool breeze, but no snow. Mid February and no snow on the ground. The good news is that there is also no ice. No dangerous conditions to walk down my street to the marsh. The vastness of the marsh and the Little River is a powerful tool to relax, breathe and be in nature. 

Quiet this time of year. Few birds, one red squirrel and one loud raven alarming all the Blue Jays in the Universe to "Be Alert For Danger Right Now."

I spot at White River's Bridge. The tide is running low. I am alone. It is quiet.

I love living near a marsh. I have learned to live with ticks, mosquitos, and hunters. I still get angry at the people who don't respect the area. The dump out their cigarettes', beer bottles and Dunkin Coffee Cups.

I want to put up a sign "THIS IS NATURE...NOT YOUR WASTE BASKET." "TAKE YOU JUNK HOME WITH YOU" or "WOULD YOU JUNK UP YOUR BACKYARD?"

But I don't make signs, the signs would junk up the marsh. So, I try to remember to bring a bag, and pick up their mess. 

 

 

The Winter the Snow forget to come

 The cold winds are blowing hard, but we have a fraction of the snow that we normally receive.

Our mostly fern grass is coloring the yard into a brilliant shade of Irish green. The pond across the street is starting to show unfrozen water waves. The sun is warm. This world is going wacky.

Serve storms are the norm now. Strange weather patterns appear in the sky more often than not.

The birds have been quiet. Heard only one quick owl call all winter. A fox spent the afternoon visiting our yard. 

Nothing feels right about the weather now. My herb garden has been uncovered most of the winter. The usual snow is not protecting the plants from the gale winds. I worry that more plants will die.

Framed View from the Portland MA Art Museum

 

I am an artist. I guess you could say  that I have been an artist all my conscious life.  It is too bad that I finally realized this tendency. I always  knew that I did not fit in with school chums, sometimes teachers, and myself. Growing up in Springfield was a lonely time for me. I was socially a misfit. I grow to enjoy my time with my self. It really was not a bad thought. My creativity always reached out to me when I needed solitude. My new bedroom over looked the back yard grass and a hill and walkway to the next terraced street. I watched birds, rode my bike, climbed the "Mt. Evert of Springfield. 

The time in Springfield was a happy time and a very sad time for me. Long, log story, I can not go bad and think about it. It is not part of my history. I washed it away a very long time ago.

I always took pictures. Cameras came and upgrades came along, but I still loved being behind the camera.

And yes, I love taking pictures of myself . I don't like to call it a selfie. I don't like the way that sounds. It sounds selfish, self centered,  and uncaring. 

Don't get me wrong, I am a very caring person. I also have boundaries, my loves, and my likes in my heart. That is where that stuff should be. It should be warm and calm in my heart. 

I am an artist. No one can stop me if I believe those words. New Years resolution 2023...believe in yourself, love yourself and be kind to your body and of course, your mind. 

Don't say crude words. Don't Gossip. Be kind. Be Helpful to Others.

A quiet Walk through the woods

 My first long walk of the year with my best friend, my husband. We parked in Salisbury and began the the Rail Trail walking towards the New Hampshire border. We walked by the Elementary School, a very active doggy park, and many walkers. It was a Sunday and a great day to get out and breath the fresh winter air. The trails are all very well marked. We got within a 1/4 mile to the border when we turned back. We followed streams, and small ponds and several good bird habitats. The owner biker was a man on an electric bike who speed by us at too high a speed for he was illegibly should not be on the trail.

Going north there was a strong cool wind on our backs. I look forward to coming back in the spring with my dusted off bike and binoculars.  

Today, we have had the first snow storm of the winter. I just finished clearing off my car. Not that I am going anywhere today. Tomorrow, I get another crown started. Off to the dentist I go.

My yack tracks on my shoes work like a dream on the ice and snow. 

Next step is trying out new snow shoes...let us hope this white stuff lasts awhile.

Dark Thoughts,, Deep Breathing, and 5:32am at my Desk

 Dark, dark, dark

thoughts. How do you  help family members who are in a vortex of covid, diabetic,  family issues  and stay sane? Remember that there are things that are broken and that you can not fix them.

Cell phone butt calls for help but with no communications. Too far away. Stay away from covid and toxic people. My sister is in trouble, but I can not help her. I can not go to visit her and stay calm.

I must stay calm, meditate, breathe and try to understand there are problems that you can not fix. My sister, and her family need to fix their toxic trifactor.  But I am not sure at this point in their relationships they will be strong enough or wise enough to stop the madness.