After 35 years of marriage we still have fun

 Just saying, it is good to marry your best friend. We do have ups and downs but, we work out the problems and move on. Best anniversary present ever. Glenn finally agreed to bring down from the attic my back swing. Ah....stretching my back at home again and stopping the vertebrates from rubbing the sciatic nerve to drive me crazy.

It is the  little things in life that make me happy. Flowers, good food and zero pain.

Watching the Portland Skyline

Watching the Portland skyline out a hotel window. The sky was an icy blue as I quietly sat a read a book.

How wonderful and strange to travel to Portland, Me. I went to school in Portland in the late sixties. The downtown with filled with beautiful brick building which were mostly empty and for sale. There was one ancient department store called something like Porteous  Mitchell which was Maine equivalent to Boston's Jordan Marsh at the time. 

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Back home, the fall chill has arrived.  Dealing with Judy's diagnostic reality. Yesterday, dear friend and neighbor's diagnostic chilling reality. Neither person I could afford to lose. Neither person I want to suffer.

Fall Marches On

Old trucks and pumpkins are huge part of the New England scenery. Sometimes the truck becomes a lawn ornament. Whatever it is, it is fall here in New England. Fresh cider, and cooler temperatures have arrived.  The apples are fresh, and squash  everywhere you look.

The hostas have melted into an orange/yellow stage. Still lots of color in the trees and bushes but soon those will be lost and meld into the quiet season of winter.

I no longer have ice skates. I was never very good at the sport. But, living across from an ice pond, one had to try. There is nothing better than gliding across a frozen pond with the wind freezing your cheeks and you feel as free as the wind.  But, unfortunately I crashed more that glided. So, one day I saw a young person at the pond without skates and I gifted mine to here.

Soon the snow will fall and I will put on my snow shoes and walk into the woods. The only sounds will be the crunch of the snow under my snow shoes. I love being out in nature and listening to the quiet.

Get Outside and Breathe

My favorite walk is to walk down my driveway and take a left to the woods and marsh.   I always stop at White Bridge...aka reflection bridge. The Little River flows on below the bridge. It is a tidal river. High tide, low tide...coming in and going out.I relax my mind and tell myself that I am so lucky to live near this river and marsh. Each days walk is different. Clouds, sunny or windy...I unwind. Lots of birds hiding around the bend in the river. I watch deer crossing the marsh. 

The marsh has a distinct smell. To me it now smells like home, calm and musty. I hear hawks calling high in the skies, and red winged blackbirds calling for their mates. All of my senses are on full alert and I take all of it into my soul. This marsh makes me happy and completes my soul.

In Nature even Poison Ivy is pretty

 Sat on on White bridge or the reflection bridge and meditated today. Cleared my head, and opened my heart. I have been depressed since June and today I restated taking my depression medication. Ok, I am old fool of a lady who stopped taking it and waited  or waisted four months  with huge mood spikes that scared myself and husband. Nothing like an old fool. 

Trying to be invisible like a Cat.

 I had no success hiding myself from the pain, people and myself. 

The pain continues, the sadness stays fresh, and my life stops here.

I am anxious to heal all that hurts inside myself.  The process is too slow and ongoing for my taste.

I want what I want now. I need what I need now. Only instant gratification will satisfy my soul right now.

If this sounds like a complaint, it is a complaint. I need satisfaction now not later.

When will I be able to smell the flowers again and laugh with the Trees?

 Depression, dark depression has clouded my world. Two months ago, my worlds started to fall apart. I spent weeks with my sister in ICU helping our team bring her back to just our Judy. Returning home, went to Rehab to visit my 100 year old mother in law who had some strokes. While in rehab, we emptied her one bedroom apartment in a senior facility. This process took over two months, clearing junk, cleaning, more cleaning, calling the junk man, and moving less junk to her assisted living studio apartment. Neighbors spent the time getting covid and our street in isolation. My body responded to this caos to add bone on bone lower back sciatic and  slowly over the months, I forgot how to sleep.

Yesterday, I feel apart. Sadness overwhelmed me. Tears flew off my face. Darkness engulfed me.

So, today I asked myself  was this a good time to stop taking Prozac. My drug of choice from the last 20 years was put back into my medicine cabinet. I should have seen this rocket of self destruction coming but, I was in the flow of self destruction, sorrow and denial.